47 Funny Best Man Speech Jokes (Tested on Real Wedding Crowds)

There are roughly a million "best man speech jokes" lists on the internet. Most of them are recycled, half of them are creepy about the bride, and the other half are jokes you've already heard at every wedding since 2009.

So I did the boring thing. I went back through the speeches I've written or watched in the last few years and pulled out the lines that actually worked. Forty-seven of them. Sorted by where they go in the speech.

Use them as inspiration. Steal the structure, swap in your own details. A joke about your mate will always land better than a joke about a stranger.

Quick tip: if you want a draft that already has some of these baked in around your mate's actual stories, the speech generator does that in about a minute. Then you can swap the lines that don't sound like you.

Openers (the first 30 seconds)

1. "For those who don't know me, I'm [Name]. For those who do — I'm sorry."
2. "I've been told a best man's speech should be like a mini skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials, short enough to keep it interesting."
3. "I've known [Groom] for fifteen years. We've been through a lot together. Most of it was his fault."
4. "I had a really good speech prepared. Then I lost it on the train. So this one's mostly improvised, and I apologise to absolutely everyone in advance."
5. "Before I begin, I just want to say — [Bride], you look stunning. [Groom], you look… present."
6. "I've been told to keep this short, so I'll just say what we're all thinking: free bar."
7. "I want to start by congratulating the groom. Not on the wedding — on convincing [Bride] he's a catch. Truly the con of the century."
8. "I'm not nervous. I just sweat when I'm happy."

The "how I know the groom" bit

1. "[Groom] and I met at uni. He was the one in the corner of every party, nursing a J2O and explaining tax codes. Some people peak early. He's still warming up."
2. "We've been mates since school. Back then his nickname was 'Stinky'. I won't say why, but it had nothing to do with hygiene and everything to do with a Year 9 PE lesson we don't talk about."
3. "I met [Groom] on the first day of secondary school. He was crying because he'd lost his lunchbox. Some things never change — he lost the wedding rings twice this morning."

Stories that always work

1. The "embarrassing job" callback: "He once worked a summer at a theme park dressed as a giant strawberry. He still won't tell us why he got fired. But the local newspaper has a paywall, so we may never know."
2. The "skill he doesn't have": "This is a man who has, on three separate occasions, set fire to a microwave. The third time it wasn't even on."
3. The driving test joke: "It took him seven attempts to pass his driving test. The examiner on attempt seven didn't pass him out of skill — they passed him out of mercy."
4. The fashion phase: "There's a photo of him in 2009 wearing a fedora unironically. I have it. It's on a slideshow. We'll get to it."
5. The lost-in-translation story: "We went to Berlin in 2017. He spent the entire weekend confidently ordering 'one beer please' in French."

One-liners about the groom's hobbies

1. "He's really into cycling now. By which I mean he owns Lycra and a strong opinion about cobbles."
2. "He's started doing yoga. He's not flexible — he just enjoys lying on the floor in a structured way."
3. "He took up running last year. He's done one parkrun. He has the t-shirt, the watch, the trainers, and a full medical opinion on heel strikes."
4. "He calls himself a foodie. He owns a truffle slicer. He has used it twice."

The bride bit (do these properly)

1. "[Bride], on behalf of all of [Groom]'s mates — thank you. We were getting tired of pretending his cooking was fine."
2. "[Bride] is the best thing that ever happened to him. And, frankly, his standards were so low we were starting to worry."
3. "Before he met [Bride], his idea of a romantic gesture was offering you the last chip. Now he books restaurants. With reservations. In advance."
4. "I knew [Bride] was the one when he came back from their first weekend away and said, completely seriously, 'I think I might start ironing my t-shirts.'"
5. "[Bride], thank you for marrying him. The rest of us were running out of birthdays to invite him to."

The slightly cheekier ones (read the room)

1. "He's not the sharpest tool in the shed. But [Bride] tells me that's not the most important quality in a husband. So we're all relieved."
2. "He once told me he's a 'glass half full' kind of guy. Then he spilled the drink. So I think we know where we stand."
3. "I asked him last week if he was nervous. He said, 'No, why would I be?' And then asked me to remind him what [Bride]'s middle name was."

Recovery lines (for when a joke dies)

1. "Tough crowd. Should've stuck with the puppet show."
2. "That was the funny one. It's all downhill from here."
3. "Just to clarify, that was the joke. The next one's better. Probably."
4. "Sorry — that was for me. The rest are for you, I promise."

Lines that get a guaranteed "awww"

1. "I've watched a lot of my mates get married. None of them looked at their wife the way [Groom] looked at [Bride] today."
2. "He's been my best mate for [X] years. Today's the only day he's ever made me feel like the second-most important person in the room. And I'm completely fine with that."
3. "There's a version of [Groom] that existed before he met [Bride]. He was alright. This version — the one standing here today — is the best one yet."

The closing toast (pick one)

1. "To [Groom] and [Bride] — may your love be deep, your arguments short, and your wifi strong. To the bride and groom."
2. "Please raise your glasses. To a long marriage, a short hangover, and a wedding photo album that doesn't include any of the dancing later. To the happy couple."
3. "To [Groom] and [Bride] — the best couple in the room, and frankly, the best-dressed. To the bride and groom."
4. "To the new Mr and Mrs [Surname] — may every year together be better than the last. To the bride and groom."
5. "To [Bride], for taking him on. To [Groom], for finally growing up. And to all of us, for being here. To the bride and groom."

Bonus: lines that feel funny but always die

I'm including these so you don't use them. Trust me.

1. The Mother-in-Law joke. Just don't.
2. Anything that starts with "I Googled best man speech jokes…"
3. Anything involving the bride's exes.
4. Lengthy fake telegrams from celebrities.
5. The "he's punching above his weight" line — it's been done to death and a third of the room will wince.
6. Long impressions of anyone famous. They're never as good as you think.
7. "I'd like to thank the wedding planner, the venue, the caterers…" — that's the MC's job.

How to actually use this list

Pick five. Not forty-seven. Five.

One opener. Two for the middle. One for the bride. One for the toast. Then write the rest of the speech in your voice, around them. The jokes are seasoning, not the main course.

And if you want a head start, the generator will weave a few of these structures into a draft using your mate's actual name and stories. Saves you the blank-page panic.